Empathy vs Sympathy
They are NOT the same
As it fell to be my lot to attempt to train tomorrow’s doctors in Japan to properly interview their patients, the issue of empathy has been a big thing to deal with. All my med schools have this as a concern, some more than others, but all understand that empathy is vital to their students. Thus, I have read extensively on the subject. In so doing, I have found that there are many highly paid public speakers who equate empathy with sympathy and I am appalled.
You do NOT want a doctor who has sympathy with you. Nor do you want a doctor who lacks empathy for you. Sympathy is shared feeling. Do you want a surgeon who cries as they attempt to wield the scalpel as they cut into you because they can “feel your pain”? I do not. I want a doctor who understands mentally that what he/she is doing will cause pain but that it necessary to restore health. Such a person will do all that is required and nothing more or less. A doctor who lacks empathy will not care if they cause excess pain or trauma to fix the problem.
But how about for others? I shall relate a situation that only those who have suffered similar can sympathize with, but those who have not may be able to empathize with. Empathizing is in no way inferior to sympathizing nor is the obverse true; sympathy is not inferior to empathy. They are merely defining different experiences.
Friday last week I planned to go over to the house to pack and move a load of my belongings before my son returned from school. I was unable to make that goal and he returned home as I was loading the mini van. He seemed genuinely happy to see me, smiling as he waved at me as he drew near. I asked if it was okay for me to drive him to cram school and he happily replied “Yes.”. He dropped his school bag off in the tatami mat room that is now his study room, grabbed his idiot phone and went to the restroom.
During one of my passes past the restroom as I carried things from upstairs to the van I asked through the restroom door when he needed to leave and he told me 4:30. The van was loaded and ready at 4:30 to go for me to drop him off and then drive to the apartment to unload. My son was still on the pot….playing with his idiot phone at 4:30. I did not bring my iPad to work on but Mia misses me and sat on my lap purring as I pet her, waiting for my son to finish up in the restroom. Later, the blackness herself, Shadow, came down and she and Mia took turns on my lap. Mia treated all the kittens who entered our home rather poorly and now that they are cats, they bully her in return. Thus, the taking turns on my lap.
A little after 5:30 the preexwife comes down, talks to our son through the restroom door and informs me that he does not want “Kitsune”, not daddy or dad but “Kitsune”, to take him to cram school. I would rather be bayoneted than hear this.
The new plan was that I would return the van in an hour so that preexwife could take our son to cram school for the next session. An hour to go shopping and unload was not enough so I returned the mini van only partially unloaded but brought my iPad to work on as I awaited preexwife’s return. The Kid was eating when I returned and I asked him if he had said I could take him to cram school he replied “Yes”. I then asked why he changed his mind and the response was the Japanese equivalent of “Hmmm, I wonder.”as if I should know. I did not and still do not.
I unloaded the van after The Kid was dropped off and preexwife returned and I left for dinner 3 hours later than planned. I drank a lot at the izakaya to drown my sorrows and more upon return to my apartment. I was able to get up in time to zoom with The Kid and my mom, but as no one seemed to have anything new to saw, the Zoom meeting ended soon after it began and I went back to bed. Was it my hang over or something else that drove me to hide from the world between my covers for a few more hours?
While at the house the day before I saw that they, The Kid and Preexwife had been to The Farm. The Farm is a glamping site that we have visited twice as a family. The first time was a seminal event. It was here, 8 years ago, that we experienced our first glamping trip. My son’s first time to use a hammock, to play on what the Japanese call “Athletic”-think obstacle course, his first time in a zip line sorta swing and his first using a hand water pump. He loved the hammock so much that when possible, we rented one when camping and eventually, he got for either his birthday or Christmas. We choose camp grounds based in part on if they had an Athletic course on site or one was near by. Zip line swings have since been a favorite of his. This campground also has a farm and those who stay can harvest some of whatever is in season. The first trip this included peanuts and gobo, burdock root. They also have an onsen-Japanese hot springs, and cafe/restaurant. It was a wonderful trip.
The second time we went was for Christmas 2023. It was both a melancholic and magical trip. Melancholic for the relationship between the preexwife and I had deteriorated to such a degree that it seemed a real possibility that this would be the last Christmas I would have with my son. Yet, there were no fights this trip and the services provided by the staff of The Farm really made a memorable time for my son. There was a Christmas story telling in a circus tent where earlier in the day we made Christmas ornaments. We enjoyed making s’mores and drinking hot chocolate by a fire. That night we opened our gifts in our tent and Santa found us during the night and even stuffed our son’s stocking. He was worried about this, as one would expect. He enjoyed pulling large potatoes from the ground and finding the hand water pump he first saw several years prior and the first athletic course he ever saw and the same zip line swing, on Christmas Day. He was also able to take the actual zip line now that he was bigger. Lunch in their on site restaurant completed our time there before the drive home. It was a great time.
Friday, I saw a box from The Farm with freshly harvested produce within. Yes, the fact that they went without me hurts, but I hope that my son will continue to enjoy life even though I am no longer a part of his. Can he not share his fun with me? It would seem that “No”is the answer to that question. This is the most painful part, he will not share with me, his father, what he is doing.
Due to the wake and potential drinking afterwards, I scheduled the weekly zoom meeting for Sunday this week. My son cannot participate because Sunday is the start of the entrance test season. This too is not to be shared with Dad unless I ask, for I learned of it only upon asking if he can join the Zoom meeting. Told by his mom and not by himself.
Sunday was worse. I arrived at the house early afternoon and he was in the restroom. He was still there over 2 and a half hours later after I loaded the van, unloaded it and returned for a second load. While packing in the den, he finally exited from his refuge, the restroom, and hearing noise from the den, called out “Mom?”, opened the door, saw it was me instead, turned around and left without a word.
Last night, a few of us went drinking after the wake. One of the group has his office along the route my son takes to and from school. He remarked last night that he was impressed at my son’s politeness as he greets him properly whenever they meet on his way home from school.
Feelings are mixed.
I don't know what to tell you.
I spent a lot of time in the restroom as a teenager. Not two hours, but enough time. I won't elaborate. Is the bathroom the only place where he is ensured privacy? Just seems weird that this is where he has refuge. Why not his room? Probably also not great that the bathroom is in a high-traffic area.
The difference between sympathy and empathy...I think I understand what you are getting at here. One is walking in another's shoes, another is feeling for their plight or misfortune.
But what I think you are getting at is, you can feel for someone, and still do what needs to be done. This was one of the dangers of "following the heart and you can never go wrong" and "if it feels good, do it."
All feelings aside, giving someone your word means something. So when your son says he agrees that you can take him to cram school, he should have to abide by that decision. You took your time, you made plans to take him, and for him to change his mind mid-stream, well, sorry but no.
Your soon to be ex-wife should back you up on this, regardless of her problems with you. But that I imagine is part of your problem, she doesn't back you, and you have conceded to her demands many times over.
One of the things I observed many times in other married couples was the lack of a united front with their kids. I don't think it led to good outcomes. But as I have no wife and kids, I really don't know if it is my place to say so.
I don't like playing mind games but it seems there's a predictable pattern of the kid being pleased to see you, you offer to drive them and they go and hide and waste your time. I don't know what breaking the pattern will achieve but right now you are the one being manipulated and that has to stop. So, two possible follow ups are either to make the same offer next time the opportunity arises and then leave as soon as the kid doesn't emerge. Or simply don't make the offer in the first place. Either choice breaks the pattern and allows you to take back some degree of control and self respect. The kid seeing you and being seemingly happy to see you will no doubt expect you to behave the same way as you did in previous encounters and when you don't, it will throw them. No need to do this with a vengeful attitude but you must avoid putting yourself in this kind of position, and do not be so predictable. You also now have less to risk and have little to lose no matter what course of action you decide upon.
Also, as Jimmy pointed out, this goes back a long way and the root lies with your ex-wife's refusal to be united with you right from the beginning with regard to your son's behavior.
Although it won't make you feel any better to learn, at least you can know you're not alone. My wife and I brought up two daughters and even though we were generally united in our decisions, my eldest daughter studied hard, got good grades, rarely caused trouble and was clear from a young age about her direction in life. Now well into her masters degree with a great future ahead of her. Younger daughter was a nightmare from day one. Even forging her mum's signature on her homework as early as kindergarden and progressing to being difficult throughout primary and secondary school. Not a week would go by without a call from the school. She even repeated her final year of secondary education and could have walked it but chose not to attend, even when she had a second chance and all the encouragement to do so. I never put pressure on her but told her decisions come with consequences. In fact I respected her decision but told her she must find an alternative direction and find a job, get some real world experience and then decided if she wants to go back to studying once she has a goal to aim for. She chooses to continue to stay at home in her room which she never tidies and almost never contributes anything to the upkeep of our place. She already turned 18 a couple of months ago and acts like the world owes her a favour. She can be nice and even good company when she wants to be or when she wants something and then can fly off the handle at a moment's notice without any reason. I've seen other kids go through similar periods around this age and many, if not most, turn out good in the end. Although I don't have the additional challenge of being kicked out of my own home, I run a very high risk of being alienated from my daughter for the rest of my life but I also know she might suddenly wake up one day and actually find her goal in life.