Nothing is the same from this point on.

news broken to the kids and the in-laws.

The kids responded to the news with silent nodding. The Kid asked where I was going. I did not reply. They asked and this time I did reply. They repeated it to verify. While this is THE worst moment of my 55 years of life, up to this point, it is horrifying how business like and normal about this announcement to our kids the preexwife is. We had just finished lunch and she asked which of the choices available I preferred for dessert. She brought it to me as casually and friendly as you would expect in a happy marriage. Eating slow, I was the last to finish. Shortly before I did, she says, nicely, “When you are finished, let’s go up stairs and tell them.”.

I have been weak in the knees since last night. Not just an expression, BTW. Am wobbly at this moment as I await a train to take me to better venues for shopping for necessities for the apartment. I know there must be worse feelings, say those from the loss of life of one’s child, but my imagination cannot conjure how anything can feel worse than I currently do.

The kids are at their grandparents as the preexwife is getting her hair done. The in-laws live just down the street. They were informed of the divorce when the preexwife dropped the kids off there. I passed their condo twice in the mini van a short time ago seeing what I could find at the local recycling store. In Japan, these are where people sell their unwanted things and where they can be purchased cheaply by others. I also walked past it to get to the train station. Strange feelings. I have a 23 year history of visiting that building.

The first time was after my then girlfriend visited after going to a matsuri. We both wore yukatta. We had just started dating, I am sure it was a shock for them to meet their daughter’s boyfriend for the first time, a yukatta wearing gaijin. While this would later become a funny story retold at family events, her family have never been anything but welcoming to me, until the panic.

They have welcomed my parents and a high school friend when they visited, too. Though I have no specific memory, my old shipmate probably visited too, when he came over. 23 years of New Year’s gatherings. Almost as many times watching the city’s fireworks from the rooftop. We have missed some due to travel. The last I visited was for this year’s fireworks.

Just finished shopping for cleaning and other supplies for the apartment. The first time in 21 and 1/2 years I am shopping for only myself. It is strange feeling. Confusing, at least in my state. I kept thinking of how much of various things we have on hand at “home” and kept picking things up, or not, based upon this now inert knowledge.

Same feeling but more intense as that I felt when I first returned 25 years ago and found myself in places I went with my ex-fiancée, my lower legs a are heavy, my knees and hips weak; it is only with great effort I walk from the station to the home I am being cast out of.