I was touched by the photo you posted of your son as a 2- or 3-year-old sitting on your shoulders. I can understand your sentimentality. But I'm going to offer a minority position.
As much as you love your son because he IS your son, he should not be rewarded for his rudeness and disrespectful attitude. It is absolutely unacceptable.
He needs a lesson in human decency and manners.
I would never give money or gifts to any family member who refuses to acknowledge my existence or treat me with common courtesy.
How is it possible he is unaware of the need to reciprocate greetings and well-wishes to his own father? He needs a lesson in manners and respect for you.
I well understand that he is mimicking his mother. However, respectfully to you in your vulnerable state, you might consider communicating higher expectations from him. You no longer have to fear retaliation from your soon-to-be ex-wife for teaching your son to be a man.
If not now, while the behavior is "encouraged" by his mother, he is old enough to understand and young enough to discipline, you can never redirect his respect-ripping-apart-expectations.
You already said as much, and you're no martyr.
Power without discipline scuppers his chance of life satisfaction and success.
Warning, the end of this will sound like a sales pitch.
You would know better than me on this, but how much of this can be chalked up to him being on the cusp of adolescence? As a teenager, I sadly was afflicted with one-word answers to my parents, and I kept very much to myself. My mom and dad tried to be helpful, and I know I did not express gratitude for things that I am very grateful for these days.
What you're going through with your dad is exactly what I went through, and then some. I wish I had sat down and recorded my dad, asked him questions about his youth. retelling how he and my mom met, as much as I could get. But I had my excuses.
As far as how your son will feel in the future, who knows? I think any normal person with a good father will feel some measure of regret, like you feel, merely for all the unanswered questions, un-talked about conversations.
I learned after my father's passing that, from my dad's end, he felt there was a falling out between us, but it had been remedied in the end. I learned this from talking to his brother. It was news to me. There was never a sit-down discussion with him about our feelings for one another. But my dad wanted me in his life, and so we went to the movies together each week and I would take him to places to fill his culinary wishes.
One thing I do know now is if I had a kid, I would want to teach him investment strategies. I'd probably start an account and keep adding to it, and pick a strategy that works, and start investing, because a traditional bank account just isn't enough. An investment account would also teach him about risk, reward, greed, consequences, and to an extent, mindset.
My parents did talk to me about budgets, balancing checkbooks, etc, but not much more about money. I still know very little, but more than I did. There are certain strategies that, after five years of investing, the amount would be substantial with compound interest.
As he is now 12, it would seem that adolescence may be to blame, but he has been like this since before 6 years of age. It has gotten worse, of course, and adolescence plays its part,no doubt, but so does a childhood stolen by idiotic covid madness. Medication is not called for, yet he has been on antidepressants for well over a month now. I saw what they did to my mom after her hysterectomy. She went temporarily insane. Lost both her jobs.
The more I look into depression to understand my son’s condition, the more I am convinced that I have been dealing with it. This is not news to me, as I have long thought it and know its sources, thus I have been armed to deal with it to varying degrees of success. I went through the ideation phase of suicide in 2022 or 23 as I could see clearly the road that lay before me and did not at all like the looks of it. Every bit as bad as I feared. But God forbids us this escape. While I have not been the most observant follower of his laws, I have learned that this is the one unforgivable sin, and have been thus steeled against committing it.
I shared that to give credibility to my statements on depression. Not only do I believe I am dealing with it, vice “suffering” from it, I have reason to believe this is true. So too with my belief that medication is a last resort only, not the first stop as preexwife has decided for our son. I can forgive her of many of her mad acts, but not this.
My relationship with my dad differs from your own with your dad, or it would seem. He just never responded to my emails and was never very talkative over Zoom. If you have ever caught the Prairie Home Companion,they had a recurring skit of a character called Wayne and his phone calls with his parents. The father of that skit was so much like mine over zoom. In person, he was far different, but to call him “reticent” over zoom would be an understatement of epic proportions.
If there was a silver lining to losing my son, it was that I was going to be able to help mom take of dad and drive their mobile home around the country for them and share a lot of time with them. Just a few days after sharing the horrible news of my divorce with him, the hospital leaves him to die.
Ah, investments. US law makes it foolish for him to engage in such. As the US claims him as its property, he is required by US law to report all assets he has signature authority over in his native land to the land of his father’s birth and possibly pay taxes upon them.
I have a ton of collectibles that if not for this o reporting requirement I could easily sell to raise gravely needed funds. I have passed this disease on to my kid. After ignoring me on this issue for 12 years, the preexwife suddenly cited it as among the reasons to divorce me.
Extremely painful, wish I had answers. Thanks for sharing, know you are heard, my parents divorced. I stayed in touch with them both. Karma's real, don't give up.
There are so many questions I would like to ask if only I knew what they should be. I do not want for my son to go through any more than I want to, less so actually. How old were you when your parents divorced, if I may ask?
At this point, I think your biggest issue is the language barrier. Unless your son becomes more fluent in English or your Japanese improves, it's going to become increasingly difficult for the two of you to communicate since you aren't able to talk about your thoughts and feelings in a nuanced manner.
I was touched by the photo you posted of your son as a 2- or 3-year-old sitting on your shoulders. I can understand your sentimentality. But I'm going to offer a minority position.
As much as you love your son because he IS your son, he should not be rewarded for his rudeness and disrespectful attitude. It is absolutely unacceptable.
He needs a lesson in human decency and manners.
I would never give money or gifts to any family member who refuses to acknowledge my existence or treat me with common courtesy.
How is it possible he is unaware of the need to reciprocate greetings and well-wishes to his own father? He needs a lesson in manners and respect for you.
I well understand that he is mimicking his mother. However, respectfully to you in your vulnerable state, you might consider communicating higher expectations from him. You no longer have to fear retaliation from your soon-to-be ex-wife for teaching your son to be a man.
Agree. Demo'd in my family.
If not now, while the behavior is "encouraged" by his mother, he is old enough to understand and young enough to discipline, you can never redirect his respect-ripping-apart-expectations.
You already said as much, and you're no martyr.
Power without discipline scuppers his chance of life satisfaction and success.
I would definitely keep on messaging him. That is my advice.
The reason being that he is a child.
Warning, the end of this will sound like a sales pitch.
You would know better than me on this, but how much of this can be chalked up to him being on the cusp of adolescence? As a teenager, I sadly was afflicted with one-word answers to my parents, and I kept very much to myself. My mom and dad tried to be helpful, and I know I did not express gratitude for things that I am very grateful for these days.
What you're going through with your dad is exactly what I went through, and then some. I wish I had sat down and recorded my dad, asked him questions about his youth. retelling how he and my mom met, as much as I could get. But I had my excuses.
As far as how your son will feel in the future, who knows? I think any normal person with a good father will feel some measure of regret, like you feel, merely for all the unanswered questions, un-talked about conversations.
I learned after my father's passing that, from my dad's end, he felt there was a falling out between us, but it had been remedied in the end. I learned this from talking to his brother. It was news to me. There was never a sit-down discussion with him about our feelings for one another. But my dad wanted me in his life, and so we went to the movies together each week and I would take him to places to fill his culinary wishes.
One thing I do know now is if I had a kid, I would want to teach him investment strategies. I'd probably start an account and keep adding to it, and pick a strategy that works, and start investing, because a traditional bank account just isn't enough. An investment account would also teach him about risk, reward, greed, consequences, and to an extent, mindset.
My parents did talk to me about budgets, balancing checkbooks, etc, but not much more about money. I still know very little, but more than I did. There are certain strategies that, after five years of investing, the amount would be substantial with compound interest.
As he is now 12, it would seem that adolescence may be to blame, but he has been like this since before 6 years of age. It has gotten worse, of course, and adolescence plays its part,no doubt, but so does a childhood stolen by idiotic covid madness. Medication is not called for, yet he has been on antidepressants for well over a month now. I saw what they did to my mom after her hysterectomy. She went temporarily insane. Lost both her jobs.
The more I look into depression to understand my son’s condition, the more I am convinced that I have been dealing with it. This is not news to me, as I have long thought it and know its sources, thus I have been armed to deal with it to varying degrees of success. I went through the ideation phase of suicide in 2022 or 23 as I could see clearly the road that lay before me and did not at all like the looks of it. Every bit as bad as I feared. But God forbids us this escape. While I have not been the most observant follower of his laws, I have learned that this is the one unforgivable sin, and have been thus steeled against committing it.
I shared that to give credibility to my statements on depression. Not only do I believe I am dealing with it, vice “suffering” from it, I have reason to believe this is true. So too with my belief that medication is a last resort only, not the first stop as preexwife has decided for our son. I can forgive her of many of her mad acts, but not this.
My relationship with my dad differs from your own with your dad, or it would seem. He just never responded to my emails and was never very talkative over Zoom. If you have ever caught the Prairie Home Companion,they had a recurring skit of a character called Wayne and his phone calls with his parents. The father of that skit was so much like mine over zoom. In person, he was far different, but to call him “reticent” over zoom would be an understatement of epic proportions.
If there was a silver lining to losing my son, it was that I was going to be able to help mom take of dad and drive their mobile home around the country for them and share a lot of time with them. Just a few days after sharing the horrible news of my divorce with him, the hospital leaves him to die.
Sorry.
Ah, investments. US law makes it foolish for him to engage in such. As the US claims him as its property, he is required by US law to report all assets he has signature authority over in his native land to the land of his father’s birth and possibly pay taxes upon them.
I have a ton of collectibles that if not for this o reporting requirement I could easily sell to raise gravely needed funds. I have passed this disease on to my kid. After ignoring me on this issue for 12 years, the preexwife suddenly cited it as among the reasons to divorce me.
Extremely painful, wish I had answers. Thanks for sharing, know you are heard, my parents divorced. I stayed in touch with them both. Karma's real, don't give up.
There are so many questions I would like to ask if only I knew what they should be. I do not want for my son to go through any more than I want to, less so actually. How old were you when your parents divorced, if I may ask?
early teenager years
Sorry to hear that. My son is now 12. Any advice? I have almost no contact with him, but who knows.
At this point, I think your biggest issue is the language barrier. Unless your son becomes more fluent in English or your Japanese improves, it's going to become increasingly difficult for the two of you to communicate since you aren't able to talk about your thoughts and feelings in a nuanced manner.
I have personal experience with SSRIs and the fallout.
Yes. They're dangerous for youth. Yes. They're horrible for adults. Yes. They're a cash cow for the medical industrial complex.
I don't know what would've happened if not for medicine, but I am better off NOW without it.
On Dads and memories, try to find the connection to keep. That is, a weekly thing which, when you're not local, can transition to a phone call.
Write letters to your son. Keep them, mail them later when your own pain is less raw.
One of my dearest possessions is the box of letters from my Dad, some sent contemporaneously, some saved to give me later.
I hope you'll try to balance your PXW's actions and plans against your own opinions about your son's future. He definitely needs you.