Difficult times, during good times we sometimes can successfully cover-up cracks that occur with people and situations. The fake pandemic was a catalyst for so many underlying problems that had been previously covered up, financial, social, familial, professional etc. and some were able to get through the discordance but others were casualties of this traumatic event. One thing is certain there really is no going back when the cracks become too large to cover up and disguise, dealing with anger and resentment is soul destroying. Sometimes forging ahead is the only option and making the best of a bad hand that has been dealt in life.
Anyone remember that commercial for the upholstery "salve" that you spread over cracks in your couch or chair and made it "look like new?" More often than not, bondo draws attention to the fissures and cracks, rather than fixes them.
I wonder if this is not a product of indoctrination. This sounds very much like political correctness gone wild (weaponized compassion). There is nothing wrong with stating a preference, or lack thereof. There is also nothing wrong with relating a notable trait.
I like your "rental car green," probably also known here in the states as "puke green." But there was a time in the seventies when this color was popular. I remember Pintos having that horrible green color.
This sounds like weaponized compassion, which is what happened during Covid. Everything could be looked through the lens of accommodation and compassion. People began to hate their own good taste and sanity and think of it as "privilege."
Weaponized compassion is also something we all have, unless you are a psychopath. Last night I had a conversation with a stroke victim and we both talked about our experiences in the hospital. He was decidedly very angry when he woke up after his stroke in a Possey bed, heavily medicated and not understanding that any attempt to get out of bed would result in a fall.
I discussed how I woke up in ICU, understanding that my leg was gone, not really feeling much pain, as I had some nice neuropathy before my amputation. Many people thought I felt lots of pain, but I didn't. Although I could not, I found, remember the word "amputation", no doubt as my mind was not accepting what had happened.
One of the sad casualties of wokeness is an inability to laugh at ourselves. I tell amputation jokes all the time.
It's actually good that your preexwife only has to deal with one kid on her own, especially since he's a handful. Hopefully, you and your son will reconnect when he's older and has more life experience.
By the way, these days, it's extremely rare for anyone under 70 to be in relationship for a lifetime, so 21 years is quite an achievement.
She doesn’t take care of him. Not full neglect; she provides good food, which he doesn’t eat, clothing and the necessities of life but allows him to decide everything. He is just a child but tells him he is responsible for the decisions he makes, like not going to school. He will not eat well prepared meals saying he is not hungry but comes down stairs after midnight complaining he is hungry and eats several bags of potato chips and other junk food. He refuses to do any chores yet is given allowance and allowed extended screen time on his idiot phone and to play Minecraft. She believes he has ADHD, and I suspect he does, so she gives him an idiot phone at 11. Madness.
Doubtful on reconnecting. The plan was that our home would be English only so that whatever kids we had they would be bilingual. We know, the preexwife especially, couples who have do so and have bilingual children. “Mendokusai!”, was her reply when I asked why she wasn’t keeping this promise. Mendokusai in this case would be “Too troublesome” or “I can’t be bothered.”. More to it, but we have not communicated much of anything these past several months. He ignores me and will not speak to me.
He also cannot enter the US, well, that is if the U.S. enforces its laws, which it often does not do. The U.S. claims my son as a citizen and thus, he is legally required to enter on a U.S. passport, which he does not have. He cannot get one as he does not have a U.S. SSN#. As far as he, the preexwife and all in the worldexcept Uncle Sam is concerned, he is a Japanese national. But US law requires he travel on a U.S. passport. Unless my finances get divine intervention, I will not be traveling abroad again once I return to the U.S.. I zoomed with my parents last Saturday and sent a link to the preexwife so my son could join. He indicated the night before that he did not want to. He did not join.
I know that he has been bullied but I do not know any details as neither he nor his mother will share them with me. I do know that she wants his family name changed to her maiden name before he starts Jr. high. I suspect that his gaijin family name plays a role in the bullying. His inability to accept anyone’s opinion other than his own and reacting violently when someone else’s opinion is accepted over his, cannot be the cause of any bullying, in the minds of himself and his mother. At any rate, they seem to blame me for his bullying and he has long recoiled over being seen with me in town.
Many of us hide the unpleasant truths in our relationships. How we navigate the raw emotions speaks to character and resilience. Glad you're dusting yourself off and picking yourself up. Add some photos to your substack. I love me some green, baby-poop-cars!
Well, you certainly had me fooled. I had guessed the troubled kid was your son but assumed you had a spare kid that might turn out good!
There are so many levels to this and so many angles to look at it. But on the most superficial level, all couples change and they either grow apart or closer together, the first being the most common. But even growing apart can be within tolerable limits for some and occasionally that is even reversed in later life when couples rediscover each other. Women, in particular, seem to go through bigger hormonal changes that can have huge effects on their personality. I have at least 2 female relatives that, by their own admission, were total bitches and knew it but they both claim hormone treatment cured the issue. I can see that in other families too. However, I think there are more natural alternatives and would be very concerned about the long term side-effects of such treatment. Of course, even if you know the problem, it still needs the affected person to admit to it before any kind of treatment can be done.
Neither of my daughters were bullied at school and seemed to fit in well. It has to be said that the culture here often views mixed race kids in a better light and many Chinese even openly say that they think they are more beautiful. I told them many times that they are so fortunate to be able to identify as Hong Kongers, or identify more widely with the Chinese race but can equally claim to be British according to the moment and what suits them best. One thing I did differently to almost all mixed families was to choose the local dialect of Cantonese as their first language and I would say English is actually 3rd after Mandarin. It worked out ok so far and both girls were able to attend local Chinese language schools whereas my friend nearly went bankrupt putting his 3 kids through international school as they spoke no Chinese.
I can relate to what you said about missing the "three" people that are no longer as I also started to lose the "real me" probably over 10 years ago and turned into someone I didn't like all that much. The panic made it worse for a time I guess but finally it led me to realise I had an issue and have since been on a journey of re-discovering my authentic self. That journey is far from being complete but I am now very much aware of my personal situation as well as being able to see the wider world for what it really is. I think that despite the traumatic experience you are going through, it may hopefully also lead to your own rediscovery of your authentic self and that will in turn also attract more positive outcomes in your life.
Difficult times, during good times we sometimes can successfully cover-up cracks that occur with people and situations. The fake pandemic was a catalyst for so many underlying problems that had been previously covered up, financial, social, familial, professional etc. and some were able to get through the discordance but others were casualties of this traumatic event. One thing is certain there really is no going back when the cracks become too large to cover up and disguise, dealing with anger and resentment is soul destroying. Sometimes forging ahead is the only option and making the best of a bad hand that has been dealt in life.
Anyone remember that commercial for the upholstery "salve" that you spread over cracks in your couch or chair and made it "look like new?" More often than not, bondo draws attention to the fissures and cracks, rather than fixes them.
I wonder if this is not a product of indoctrination. This sounds very much like political correctness gone wild (weaponized compassion). There is nothing wrong with stating a preference, or lack thereof. There is also nothing wrong with relating a notable trait.
I like your "rental car green," probably also known here in the states as "puke green." But there was a time in the seventies when this color was popular. I remember Pintos having that horrible green color.
This sounds like weaponized compassion, which is what happened during Covid. Everything could be looked through the lens of accommodation and compassion. People began to hate their own good taste and sanity and think of it as "privilege."
Weaponized compassion is also something we all have, unless you are a psychopath. Last night I had a conversation with a stroke victim and we both talked about our experiences in the hospital. He was decidedly very angry when he woke up after his stroke in a Possey bed, heavily medicated and not understanding that any attempt to get out of bed would result in a fall.
I discussed how I woke up in ICU, understanding that my leg was gone, not really feeling much pain, as I had some nice neuropathy before my amputation. Many people thought I felt lots of pain, but I didn't. Although I could not, I found, remember the word "amputation", no doubt as my mind was not accepting what had happened.
One of the sad casualties of wokeness is an inability to laugh at ourselves. I tell amputation jokes all the time.
It's actually good that your preexwife only has to deal with one kid on her own, especially since he's a handful. Hopefully, you and your son will reconnect when he's older and has more life experience.
By the way, these days, it's extremely rare for anyone under 70 to be in relationship for a lifetime, so 21 years is quite an achievement.
She doesn’t take care of him. Not full neglect; she provides good food, which he doesn’t eat, clothing and the necessities of life but allows him to decide everything. He is just a child but tells him he is responsible for the decisions he makes, like not going to school. He will not eat well prepared meals saying he is not hungry but comes down stairs after midnight complaining he is hungry and eats several bags of potato chips and other junk food. He refuses to do any chores yet is given allowance and allowed extended screen time on his idiot phone and to play Minecraft. She believes he has ADHD, and I suspect he does, so she gives him an idiot phone at 11. Madness.
Doubtful on reconnecting. The plan was that our home would be English only so that whatever kids we had they would be bilingual. We know, the preexwife especially, couples who have do so and have bilingual children. “Mendokusai!”, was her reply when I asked why she wasn’t keeping this promise. Mendokusai in this case would be “Too troublesome” or “I can’t be bothered.”. More to it, but we have not communicated much of anything these past several months. He ignores me and will not speak to me.
He also cannot enter the US, well, that is if the U.S. enforces its laws, which it often does not do. The U.S. claims my son as a citizen and thus, he is legally required to enter on a U.S. passport, which he does not have. He cannot get one as he does not have a U.S. SSN#. As far as he, the preexwife and all in the worldexcept Uncle Sam is concerned, he is a Japanese national. But US law requires he travel on a U.S. passport. Unless my finances get divine intervention, I will not be traveling abroad again once I return to the U.S.. I zoomed with my parents last Saturday and sent a link to the preexwife so my son could join. He indicated the night before that he did not want to. He did not join.
I know that he has been bullied but I do not know any details as neither he nor his mother will share them with me. I do know that she wants his family name changed to her maiden name before he starts Jr. high. I suspect that his gaijin family name plays a role in the bullying. His inability to accept anyone’s opinion other than his own and reacting violently when someone else’s opinion is accepted over his, cannot be the cause of any bullying, in the minds of himself and his mother. At any rate, they seem to blame me for his bullying and he has long recoiled over being seen with me in town.
Many of us hide the unpleasant truths in our relationships. How we navigate the raw emotions speaks to character and resilience. Glad you're dusting yourself off and picking yourself up. Add some photos to your substack. I love me some green, baby-poop-cars!
Hugs.
Well, you certainly had me fooled. I had guessed the troubled kid was your son but assumed you had a spare kid that might turn out good!
There are so many levels to this and so many angles to look at it. But on the most superficial level, all couples change and they either grow apart or closer together, the first being the most common. But even growing apart can be within tolerable limits for some and occasionally that is even reversed in later life when couples rediscover each other. Women, in particular, seem to go through bigger hormonal changes that can have huge effects on their personality. I have at least 2 female relatives that, by their own admission, were total bitches and knew it but they both claim hormone treatment cured the issue. I can see that in other families too. However, I think there are more natural alternatives and would be very concerned about the long term side-effects of such treatment. Of course, even if you know the problem, it still needs the affected person to admit to it before any kind of treatment can be done.
Neither of my daughters were bullied at school and seemed to fit in well. It has to be said that the culture here often views mixed race kids in a better light and many Chinese even openly say that they think they are more beautiful. I told them many times that they are so fortunate to be able to identify as Hong Kongers, or identify more widely with the Chinese race but can equally claim to be British according to the moment and what suits them best. One thing I did differently to almost all mixed families was to choose the local dialect of Cantonese as their first language and I would say English is actually 3rd after Mandarin. It worked out ok so far and both girls were able to attend local Chinese language schools whereas my friend nearly went bankrupt putting his 3 kids through international school as they spoke no Chinese.
I can relate to what you said about missing the "three" people that are no longer as I also started to lose the "real me" probably over 10 years ago and turned into someone I didn't like all that much. The panic made it worse for a time I guess but finally it led me to realise I had an issue and have since been on a journey of re-discovering my authentic self. That journey is far from being complete but I am now very much aware of my personal situation as well as being able to see the wider world for what it really is. I think that despite the traumatic experience you are going through, it may hopefully also lead to your own rediscovery of your authentic self and that will in turn also attract more positive outcomes in your life.