Other Points to Consider

Always complicated, each situation is different.

Thanks to all who are commenting on my most recent posts. Some other points that have been mentioned in the past but not yet focused on in this discussion that I think should be include child abuse and suicide, both of which increased during the panic. How will my wife react to the kids talking back to her once she realizes that my absence did not zero out her stress and, in all likelihood, added to it? I am concerned.

Then we have the absolute disruption to the kids’ lives. How will they react to the event itself and their forever changed lives? At least one reader who suffered their parent’s divorcing as a child asked how I could even contemplate leaving the family with one child on the brink of puberty.

The 11 year old shares some clothes with their mother, so they are close to the same size now. They will not stop growing. They have also begun hitting their mother when she attempts to convince them to do homework and chores. Gravely concerned?

Between my wife’s 3rd and 4th clot shots, she had an aggressive growth of a salivary gland tumor. It turned out as benign but what other health issues is she going to have due to her vax history? I tried to caution her against getting the 4th shot despite knowing that doing so would likely cause a fight. It did and she got it anyway. Has she gotten others but did not tell me because she didn’t want to fight over it? I have no idea. Are the kids going to be orphaned in the next few years if I leave? I too have had two servings of the clot shots, so my sticking around, if she changes her mind, may not prevent this but as I have only had the initial two doses, it may be hoped that it is less likely that both of us will succumb to the clot shot before the kids are old enough to live on their own.

A bit of an aside here but related and I wanted to respond to a reader’s comments from a while back now. One suggested that my wife’s irrational behavior is connected to the shots. While they may have exasperated her behavior, they are not the initial cause. She exhibited all of her current behaviors from time to time in the 15 years of marriage that predated the panic. Another confounding factor is all the non clot shot Covid mitigation actions forced upon us. Back before I lost this class and before the clot shot was available anywhere, I asked my Medical Discussion students if Covid was a case of the cure being worse than the disease? The sudden cancellation and continued prohibition of all social interaction outside the household, unsocial distancing, masking, online classes and remote working individually and more so collectively is/are enough to cause severe problems with the most stable, hard skinned individuals that ever lived. I believe that there are few, actually no one, who has escaped unscathed from the madness we are still dealing with. I cannot say that the shot did it but I am certain the panic did make things worse and that if a split between my wife and I was to happen, it would not be now and under these circumstances.

It has been suggested that I move to a place nearby so that I can still be a part of the kids’ lives. It does appear that Japan has passed a law that allows for joint custody, but if it has the same level of power as the anti parental abduction law has, it lacks an enforcement mechanism. As a non Japanese, the likelihood of a favorable result in a Japanese court is not zero, but as close to it as possible without actually being zero. Given my financial state, A snowball has a better chance of survival in hell than I do of a good outcome in any court child custody battle, anywhere.

On the way “home” from work the other night, I felt a great peace as I began contemplating life away from the constant criticism, getting yelled at and occasional fighting. The worst part of my day would no longer be leaving work for “home”. I would be able to listen talk radio, music, Turfseer’s excellent musical offerings without fear of constant interruptions or sparking a fight. Then recollections from trying to find an apartment years ago when single popped the bubble.

Not nearly as universal as it was 30 years ago, many landlords simply refused to rent to foreigners. The ones that do, rent properties in such a state of disrepair that even the poorest JNs refuse them, then charge we gaijin crazily high rent for. Not universal, now, but was in the past and still common. Then there are the costs of moving in. Again, no longer universal, but I have only my experience to go on and do not know the extent this has been relaxed. The cost to move in to a new place will certainly include first and last months’ rent. A security deposit that can be several months worth of rent is often required as is “key money” that used to range from 3-6 months worth of rent. Experience from long ago was that these were higher for we gaijin. Then we have moving costs. Some of the furniture we use is mine from before the marriage. I either pay movers to move it or abandon it and buy new. Though I may be able rent a truck, I have never tried that and not sure how easy or not it is for gaijin to do so.

But the biggest and possibly insurmountable hurdle is the need for a guarantor. This is similar to a co-signer in the States but is usually (Used to be all but universal.) required in Japan to rent anything or sign any payment agreement. My universities served this position while I was here as a student and my first employer did when I first returned this time. But I worked full time for that employer, part time employers are not going to be a guarantor. An important point is that it was not the actual schools nor employer who served as guarantor, but the president’s of each and as private individual’s. If there were any mechanism for these high ranking employees to recover costs incurred by those they acted as guarantors for if they should bail, I am not privy to them. Given the very real possibility that I may default on a lease, I am not wanting to put anyone else in the position to cover it. I know these are not insurmountable barriers as I know some who do live here as individuals and have the same working environment as I do. But it will take a level of effort that I do not know if I can still muster.

Even if I conquer all these, the following still remain hanging over my head. I still have the sudden extra ¥16,980 I have to pay monthly for nenkin. At some point, I will get caught for back payments and then monthly payments for the nationalized health care scheme. Those alone are probably enough to make me homeless in Japan. But then there are unemployment and workman’s comp. Are these going to come out of nowhere like nenkin did? No one has provided me any information whatsoever on these.

But do I even want to? Do I want to run into my current neighbor’s, my kids’ friends and their friends’ parents, teachers, the matsuri group after I am actually thrown out? As I was typing this today, a song from my early teens played. It is one I always liked, more for the tune than the lyrics though these too I like. I have gone through a failed engagement and this song, while still a favorite, gained a haunting aspect which was already present in my mind before it came on today. The song? “Always Something There to Remind Me” by the Naked Eyes.

I survived this before, but not after marriage nor with children I will never see again, but do I want to? Do I want to see my kids on their way to/from school and they pretend to not see me? Or for them to want to run across the busy street for a hug knowing that besides the danger, that the time we can be together will have to be short and may never happen again. What will that do to the kids?

Next, so why stay.